#d
,fa9t ,recogni;n

,af ea* "d ( hi< s*ool1 ,i wait$ =! special c> =! h&icapp$ /ud5ts 6pick me
up4 ,al? ,i f"\ ! s*ool sy/em s t ,i cd take ! regul> bus1 ! adm9i/rators
/ood 0_! deci.n4 ,my defi.e & unwill+;s 6le>n mobil;y skills made me too
unsafe4 ,x didn't help ! situ,n :5 a "d af _! rul+1 ,i sp$ 0! s*ool bus ly+
belly d[n on ! hood (a fr's c>4 ,! bus driv] _h relay$ a frantic message "?
! 4pat*] 6! s*ool pr9cipal4 8,t crazy bl kid's on top (a c> flipp+ me !
bird40

,wait+ =! h&icap c>1 ,i hid 2h a ,dump/] at ! $ge (! p>k+ lot1 hop+ no "o
wd see me4 ,:5 ,i he>d ! 5g9e (! c>1 ,i ran ) my cane flail+1 f.d ! door
h&le1 & duck$ 9side4 ,i sl\*$ d[n until ! c> r.d$ a corn] & 0 \ ( si<t4

8,i don't 2l;g 9 ? /upid c>4 ,x's = cripples1 p 9 :eel*airs1 us+ leg
braces1 n = me10 ,i'd -pla9 6,j]ry1 ! driv]4 ,he 0 a mi4le-ag$ black man :o
coa*$ ! mi4le s*ool basketball t1m4 ,i 0 3/antly tell+ hm t ,i didn't ne$
any"o's help1 & ,i'd n"e d all ! /upid ?+s t t1*]s 7 try+ 6pu% on me4

8,h[ _m f+]s ,i got up80 ,j]ry'd ask4

8,h[ ! hell %d ,i "k80 ,i'd reply4

8,!n1 "! a9't no d5y+ t10 he'd say4 8,y're h&icapp$4 ,:y y wanna take !
bus1 :5 y c ride )a gd-look+ dude l me &a hot babe l ,sa*a8 ,:at d y c>e h[
y ride home anyway8 ,s9ce y're bl1 y c't see t y're 9 an old gre5 /,n
wagon4 ,j pret5d ,i'm a door-to-door limo s]vice40 ,sa*a 0 a t9y waif (a
girl1 a few grades abv me1 :o rode 9 ! front s1t (! c>4 ,h] legs 7 ev5 t9i]
?an ! re/ ( h] body1 & %e wore metal braces ov] !m4 ,on bad "ds1 :5 h] legs
7 w1k1 %e wd roll ! hallways 9 a :eel*air4 8,j 2c y're bl1 don't m1n y a9't
a /ud10 ! driv] sd "o "d1 8& j 2c ( ^? braces1 don't m1n y're n a
foxy-look+ lady4 ,nei ( y'all h a date =! spr+ d.e4 ,bo? y'all >e h&icapp$4
,:y don't y g tgr80 ,sa*a & ,i w9c$4 ,sa*a d1lt ! f/ bl[4 8,he's n my
type10 %e repli$1 8& ,i don't date "uclassm540

8,well1 ,i don't date midgets10 ,i %ot back4

8,well1 ,i don't date bl geeks40 ,! 3v]s,n 3t9u$ 6regress4

8,i'll pu% yr :eel*air d[n a hill1 "r 96tra6ic40

8,i'll hit y upside yr ?ick bl skull )a baseball bat40


,"o "d :5 ,i 0 ! la/ /ud5t 9 ! c>1 we pass$ ! s*ool bus &! driv] sd1 8,wave
6all yr frs40 ,i ?"\ (! b"r sign abv ! c> )! picture (a smil+ * 9 a
:eel*air & r1d+1 ,c>ry+ ,h&icapp$ ,*n4 ,i dropp$ 6! floorbo>d4 8,tell me :5
we're pa/ !m10 ,i yell$ up4

8,y pla9 *ildi%10 he sd4 ,:5 ,i popp$ up ag1 ,i rel1s$ a br&-new b>rage (
-pla9ts4 ,j]ry li/5$ )\t a response & !n scree*$ ! c> 6a /op1 h1v+ me ag/ !
back ( 8 s1t4 8,get \60 he -m&$4 ,i knew we _hn't tak5 a su6ici5t numb] (
lefts & "rs 6be ne> my h\se4

8,"r "h80 ,i ask$1 al>m$4

8,get yr sorry1 -pla9+ ass \ ( my c>10 he sd1 & 8 voice _h lo/ xs play;l
gl9t & tak5 on a m5ac+ t"o4 ,)\t "q1 ,i swung op5 ! door & scurri$ \1 ?9k+
he 0 go+ 6l1ve me on ! side (! road4 ,i _h f9,y d"o x1 -pla9$ s m* t he 0
kick+ me \1 refus+ 6drive me4 ,i wait$ 6he> ! tires scree* away1 b 9/1d
felt "s?+ h>d & ru2] b\nce j>r+ly (f my h1d4 ,my e>s rang z ,i li/5$ 6!
object b\nc+ (f 9 ano!r direc;n4 ,a basketball4 ,he _h :ack$ me 9 ! h1d )a
basketball4 ,i 0 /unn$2 no adult _h "e d"o "s?+ l t 6me 2f4 ,!n1 8 door
op5$ & ,i he>d hm retrieve ! ball4 8,y're bl10 he yell$ bluntly4

8,bull%it60 ,i yell$ back4

8,y're bl60 he rep1t$4 8,get us$ 6x40

8,i'm n10 ,i sd a ll m w1kly4

8,well6 ,y c't cat* a basketball40

,my /unn$ feel+ only 9cr1s$4

8,? "t ,i'm gonna tell y :5 x's -+4 ,i want y 6put yr h&s \ ''' ,n[60 ,!
ball hit me 9 ! *e/ & my h&s easily scoop$ x up4 ,! ru2] ball felt gd re/+
9 my h&s4 8,]ik10 he sd1 8y may n want 6be bl1 b y >e4 ,! answ] isn't alw
6fi<t4 ,let p in4 ,let 'em help y =a :ile4 ,y mi<t j le>n 6cat* ag40


,9dep5d;e didn't -e 9 l1p+ /rides b 9 t9y su3esses1 alm imp]cepti#4 ,x came
9 ! 4cov]y t ,i cd mat* my socks 0putt+ safety p9s 9 di6]5t loc,ns1 9 !
pride ( an ,a pap] writt5 on my spee*-adapt$ -put]1 & 9 ! 3fid;e t came f
"k+ my surr.d+s 0! clues ,i felt "? ! 5d (a :ite cane4 ,al? small1 !y gave
me ! c\rage 6dr1m a ll bi7]4

,dur+ a free p]iod1 ,i sat 9 ! cafet]ia1 ?9k+ ab my midni<t \t+s ) ,*ris &
:at ,j]ry _h sd ab help4 ,i _h alm be5 ?ra%$ 0a van;l ( angry drunk5
s5iors1 &! unbelieva# "p 0 t ,i _hn't be5 cau<t4 ,i _h be5 /&+ on ! side (!
road1 my pale butt gl[+ 9 ! d>k l a second moon1 :5 !y _h p\r$ \ af me4 ,:5
,i _h f9,y wa4l$ away1 my pants >.d my ankles1 my cane tapp+ 9 front ( me1
,i _h he>d ! fa/e/ boy's br1? 2h me1 b he _hn't cau<t me4 ,my escape 0 a ll
unor?odox1 b x _h d"o ! job4 ,! cane 0 :at _h re,y sav$ me1 & if x cd save
my hide f an alm unavoida# ?ra%+1 !n :y cdn't x "w "r "h 9 s*ool8 ,a week
e>li]1 ,mrs4 ,mundy _h made a tactile map (! cafet]ia & _h =c$ me 6c>ry x4
,i l1f$ "? my notebook & f.d ! map4 ,x 0 / fre% & unt\*$4 ,i /udi$ x =a l;g
"t1 !n practic$ maneuv]+ >.d ! empty ta#s4 ,my book s]v$ z a tray1 bal.ed 9
"o h& :ile ! o!r tapp$ my cane al;g ! floor4

,:5 lun*"t came1 ,i took my tray f ! c.t]1 turn$ "r until my cane g5tly
tapp$ ! wall4 ,!n ,i trail$ ! wall until ,i felt ! soda ma*9e protrud+4 ,i
knew ! gap 2t two ta#s 0 a few feet away4 ,i turn$ left1 us+ ! li<t tap (
metal *air legs z my guide4 ,!n1 9 front ( me1 ov] ! bu/le1 ,i recogniz$ !
voices ( my frs4 ,"w+ my way >.d ! ta#1 ,i subtly t\*$ ! back ( ea* *air
until ,i f.d "o m* li<t]4 ,"h1 ,i c>e;lly plac$ my tray1 mak+ sure x 0
fully re/+ on ! ta#4 ,f9,y ,i sat d[n2 a secret si< escap$ f my lips4
,mit*1 sitt+ 9 ! next *air1 grasp$ my cane4 8,hey6 ,t ?+ re,y "ws10 he sd4

8,i guess x does10 ,i repli$ smil+1 2g9n+ 62lieve x myf4

,9 ,brl class1 ,mrs4 ,mundy brld an >ticle & told me 6r1d x = home"w4
8,y'll r1d x \ l\d = me tm10 %e sd4 ,( c\rse1 ,i didn't r1d x t ni<t4 ,!
next "d ,i /um#d "? x al\d1 r1d+ x li/.sly )! spe$ (a f/ grad]4 ,z ,i sl[ly
2gan 6"u/& ! /ory "u my f+]s1 ,i le>n$ t x 0 ab m9or-l1gue baseball play]s
/ru7l+ 6make x 96! big l1gues4 ,s9ce ,ll ,l1gue1 ! "*s _h d$icat$ _! lives
6mak+ x 9 ! majors1 despite _! k t _! *.es 7 less ?an m9uscule3 "o 9 "o
hundr$ ?\s&4 ,_! /ru7le 0 l salmon swimm+ up/r1m4 ,usu,y my fru/r,n 0
direct$ t[>d ,mrs4 ,mundy = =c+ me 6wa/e my "t deciph]+ -plicat$ patt]ns (
dots1 my bra9 h>dly bo!r+ 6recognize ! m1n+ (! ^ws4 ,td1 h["e1 my fru/r,n 0
direct$ at my [n /umbl+ 9ept f+]s4 ,i pu%$ !m al;g1 want+ 6"k if !y wd make
x4 ,mrs4 ,mundy _h \tsm>t$ me4 ,h[ h>d _h %e "w$ 6f9d a subject ,i'd 2
9t]e/$ in8 ,%e _h pres5t$ me ) >ticles ab politics & sci;e1 b ? "o _h tak5
hold4 ,x 0 ab p /riv+ = "s?+1 &! fasc9at+ "p ab x 0 t !y knew :at !y 7
/riv+ =4 ,!y 7 mov+ 9 a direc;n4 ,i r1liz$ t "! 0 m 6,brl ?an j rais$ dots2
"! 7 /ories ab p dr1m+1 & ^? /ories made ! gigantic l1p f my /umbl+ f+]tips
all ! way 6my bra94

,9 ! w9t]1 all ! fre%m5 tri$ \ = di6]5t t1ms4 ,i didn't want 6be left 2h4
,prior 6my go+ bl1 ,i wasn't all[$ 6"picipate 9 any 3tact sports2 my w1k
ret9as mi<t br1k away fa/]4 ,n[ t ,i 0 tot,y bl1 "! 7 no limit,ns2 "! 0 no
m risk ( me los+ my rema9+ si<t4 ,9 a sordid way1 go+ bl _h set me free4 ,i
0 f9,y all[$ 6try \ = wre/l+4 ,z ,i tapp$ my cane d[n ! empty hallway t[>d
! wre/l+ room1 ,i wond]$ if ,i wd 2 any gd4 ,:5 9=m,y wre/l+ my bro!r ,$di
9 ! g>age1 0feel+ an ankle or a wri/1 ,i cd 9tuitively s5se ": ! re/ ( 8
body 0 posi;n$4 ,&) t k1 ,i ?"\ ,i cd jo9 ! t1m4 ,h["e1 my five-foot-n9e1
#aad-p.d body worri$ me m ?an my bl;s3 n m* (a wre/l]'s physique4 ,squeez+
"o bony biceps & !n ! o!r1 ,i alm walk$ 96a wall4

,on ! f/ "d ( wre/l+ practice1 fre%m5 l9e up 6face (f ag/ ! capta91 usu,y
6be p9n$ 9 qk su3es.n4 ,i 0 ?ird 9 l9e4 8,r1dy1 wre/le60 ,i he>d1 & !n alm
9/antly1 8,p9n$1 sev5 seconds10 z ! f/ fre%man's squirm+ %\ld]s 7 =c$ 6!
mat4 ,! second victim 0 p9n$ 9 n9e seconds4 ,!n ,i 0 up4 ,my legs turn$
6,play-,doh1 & ,i felt r1dy 6puke4 ,i didn't h 6d m* "w 2c ,i felt ! /r;g1
callus$ h&s (! capta9 clos+ on my wri/s1 dra7+ me w1kly 6! c5t] (! mat4 ,!
next mo;ts m]g$ tgr 96a fr5zi$ blur4 ,immly af %ak+ h&s1 my legs 7 swept f
"u me & ,i l&$ on my back4 ,miracul\sly1 ,i f"\ 6my side 2f ,i 0 driv5 back
ag4 ,i flopp$ on ! mat l a fi% \ ( wat]1 /ru7l+ futilely4 ,soon ! wei<t (
my oppon5t cru%+ ! air \ ( my lungs 0 too m*4 ,i he>d ! coa* slap 8 palm
squ>ely on ! mat & pron\nce1 8,p9n$1 tw5ty seconds60 ,)\t a pause1 ! capta9
3t9u$ up ! l9e1 demoli%+ ea* gasp+ oppon5t4 ,no o!r mat* la/$ m ?an t5
seconds4 ,i got up & /a7]$ (f ! mat4

,-+ 6! f/ practice1 ,i _h worri$ ab my t1mmates baby+ me4 ,9/1d1 ! capta9
_h d"o ! grte/ ?+ he cd possibly d3 he _h %[n me no m]cy z he gr.d my
sp9dly body 96! mat4 ,my ribs 7 bruis$2 x hurt 6br1!1 b "? ! pa9 0 a pr\d
s5se ( el,n4 ,=! f/ "t s9ce ,i _h g"o bl1 ,i no l;g] felt l 8! bl guy40 ,i
0 ! bl guy :o /unk at wre/l+1 b /unk t5 :ole seconds bett] ?an any o!r
fre%man 9 ! l9e4

,an h\r 2f ! t1m's f/ mat*1 \r coa* le>n$ t ! v>s;y wre/l] at my wei<t1 "o
( 8 />s1 wd n 2 a# 6wre/le due 69jury4 ,he ask$ me 6fill in1 ev5 ?\<1 9
private1 he rem>k$ t s5d+ me \ 6wre/le 0 l ?r[+ *um 6a s*ool ( %>ks4 ,i sat
on my t1m's side (! gym 3jur+ up f]oci\s images ( my oppon5t4 ,:5 my turn
came1 ! capta9 took me 0! >m & l$ me 6! c5t] (! mat4 ,i %ook my oppon5t's
h& & notic$ ! grip4 ,x 0 s(t]1 unlike my capta9's grip1 : 0 h>d1 callus$1
s9ewy1 & cd snap all ! fragile b"os 9 my h&4

,! mat* 0 alm ev51 \r two bodies flipp+1 driv+1 tumbl+ all ov] ! mat4 ,9 !
la/ few seconds (! f9al p]iod1 my tir$ oppon5t sl[$ d[n1 5abl+ me 6get \
6his side & drive my >m "u 8 >mpit & ov] 8 neck 9 a half nelson4 ,i got 6my
toes1 *e/ driv+ 96his side1 my >m l a l"e1 crank+ hm up & ov]4 ,:5 8 body
2gan 6lift up & roll1 ,i cd h>dly 2lieve x4 ,i expect$ hm 6su45ly re5]gize1
clamp d[n on my >m1 & br1k my grip4 ,maybe1 he wd ev5 sp9 >.d me & score
two po9ts =a rev]sal4 ,b he kept on turn+ t[>d 8 back1 & my >m1 buri$ deep
9 8 >mpit & >.d 8 neck1 kept crank+4 ,my >m /ra9$4 ,x 2gan 6t+le & g numb4
,i cd no l;g] feel if any =ce fl[$ "? x4 ,!n1 he 0 on 8 back1 & ,i 0 driv+
! full =ce ( my wei<t on top ( hm4 ,a second 2f ! f9al buzz]1 ,i he>d ! :op
(! mat z ! ref yell$1 8,p9n$60 ,! 5tire gym erupt$ 9 *e]s4 ,! applause
fill$ ! room &1 ov] ! ro>1 ,i pick$ \ ! excit$ scr1ms ( my p>5ts4 ,ev5 my
"m1 :o f.d x s h>d 6wat* h] son 2+ bloodi$ & slamm$ ag/ a wre/l+ mat1 0
*e]+4 ,afws %e told me t %e _h be5 n]v\sly *ew+ h] l;g hair & squeez+ h]
h&s tgr s ti<tly1 %e _h f+]nail m>ks 9 h] palms =a week4 ,5velop$ 0! *e] (!
cr[d & surr.d$ 0! pung5t sw1t ( my t1mmates1 ,i knew )\t a d\bt t ,i 0 on !
"r pa?4 ,maybe1 ,i _h f.d ! p]son t ,i _h be5 2f bl;s1 b :5 ,i settl$ on t
idea1 ! implic,ns 4turb$ me4 ,9 ord] 6reclaim t p]son1 ,i felt ,i wd h 6g
back "? ! pa/1 "? ! pa91 fru/r,n1 & l"oli;s4 ,h[ cd ,i g back "? "t & erase
all ( t8 ,maybe1 x 0 bett] 6foll[ ! advice t my gr&dad _h giv5 my "m once1
6look /rai<t ah1d & n"e look back4 ,maybe1 ! be/ c\rse 0 simply 6set myf 9
mo;n1 6propel myf =w>d1 & "s": al;g ! way1 ,i mi<t /um# ^u a new p]son1 or
ev5 _m new p1 :o wd take my s\l1 : / felt a bit empty1 & cram x full (
new;s & full ( joy4

,9 ! f/ p]iod (! mat* t "d1 ,i _h be5 slamm$ ag/ ! mat on my face4 ,t ni<t1
,i lay next 6my mom1 9 h] b$1 l ,i _h z a ll kid4 ,my mom br"\ me an ice
pack & laid x ov] my swoll5 nose &! knot t 0 2g9n+ 6=m on my =eh1d4 ,we _h
j gott5 a ,,vcr1 & we wat*$ \r f/ movie on x3 ,>nold ,s*w>z5e7] 9 .,!
.,t]m9ator4 ,:5 %e _h g"o =! ice pack1 %e _h ev5 attempt$ an ,>nold
impres.n1 8,i'll 2 bok60

,"?\t ! movie1 ,i kept lift+ ! ice pack & runn+ my f+]s ov] my face4 ,i _h
n"e d"o t 2f1 b r1liz$ t ,i _hn't se5 myf = alm a ye>4 ,i cdn't re,y
rememb] exactly :at ,i look$ l ei1 b z my f+]s ran ov] my nose1 : seem$
huge & bulb\s1 my l;g =eh1d1 : seem$ 6/ret* ="e1 & my ?ick br[1 : seem$
6jut \ & hang prec>i\sly ov] my small deep-set eyes1 my bra9 kept assembl+
! image (a mon/]4 ,my mom m/ h notic$ my frantic f+]s squeez+ my nose &
m1sur+ ! 4t.e f my br[ 6my eyeballs1 2c %e sd1 8,y're gett+ h&"sr e "d10 :
0 extremely emb>rass+ 6he> f yr "m1 especi,y :5 my f+]s _h j %[n me t ,i _h
! k9d ( face t only a "m cd love4 8,i ?9k y're a ll bias$10 ,i sd4 8,my
nose is huge & my eyebr[s hang ov] my eyes l a ,ne&]?al40 ,!n %e took my h&
& plac$ x on h] [n face4 8,t's q an 9sult1 3sid]+1 \ ( all my *n1 y look !
mo/ l me40 ,? 3fus$ me1 "k+ h[ b1uti;l %e was4 ,"o ( my h&s ,i kept on my
face1 my o!r h& ,i kept on h]s4 ,i 0 %ock$2 \r noses 7 bo? ?9 & %>p1 turn+
sli<tly 6! "r2 h] =eh1d 0 smoo? & hi< l m9e2 ev5 \r eyes 7 ab ! same size1
set back f \r =eh1ds4

,ov] ! previ\s ye>1 my "m _h tak5 on "s new *all5ges & 5joy$ "s new
su3esses4 ,%e no l;g] slept all "d1 f> f x4 ,%e 0 m* too busy4 ,%e / look$
back on h] "t sp5t travel+ all ov] ,asia ) fond;s & / ador$ h] collec;n (
keepsakes4 ,:5 ,i came 9 f s*ool 9 ! afn1 ,i cd usu,y f9d h] 9 ! front room
( \r h\se1 du/+ & v>ni%+ all ! *e/s1 scre5s1 & c>v+s t %e _hn't be5 a#
6squeeze 96! re/ (! h\se4 ,9 ! room1 "! 0 h>dly any space 6move4 ,maneuv]+
) my cane "? ! n>r[ twi/+ aisles1 surr.d$ 0piles ( small papi] m@a*@e
boxes1 ornate umbrellas1 giant fans1 ori5tal c>pets1 baskets full ( poli%$
wood5 b1ds1 t9y jade animals1 "m ( pe>l1 & black onyx1 ,i fe>$ t only "o
misplac$ tap wd br+ ! :ole >ray cra%+ d[n >.d me4 ,"o "d my "m /ood 9 !
5tr.e ( h] collec;n room1 gaz+ ov] ! di6]5t pieces & rememb]+ ! orig9 (
ea*4 ,few (! pieces _h -e easy4 ,%e _h travel$ 0foot1 0camel1 ev5
0elephant1 6remote villages ": ! black-hair$ *n _h n"e se5 a ,caucasian
woman4 ,!y t\*$ h] l;g blonde hair z if %e 7 an exotic go4ess1 & 2f %e fe>$
( runn+ \ ( hair1 %e _h ev5 giv5 a /r& 6ea* *4 ,once1 9 ,paki/an1 :ile
b>ga9+ =a l;g jewel$ sab]1 ! %opkeep] 9dicat$ t he wd only trade ! sab] =!
design] j1ns my "m 0 we>+1 : he want$ z a pres5t = 8 wife4 ,s1 %e _h g"o
96! back (! /all1 *ang$ 96a :ite tradi;nal .shamir camise1 & /ruck ! d1l4
,x 0 :ile /&+ 9 h] collec;n room t my "m seiz$ ^u ! idea 6br+ ! pas.n ( h]
pa/ 96! pres5t4 ,9 ! summ] ( #aihc1 my mom op5$ a %op 9 ne>by ,we/port4 ,%e
"nd x ,ori5tal ,orig9s4 ,f ! 3t5ts ( baskets full ( miscellane\s items1 %e
design$ b1uti;l & unusual necklaces & bracelets4 ,%e cdn't make !m fa/ 5
6keep up )! surpris+ dem&1 s %e made ! front room ( \r h\se 96a factory
floor & hir$ nei<borhood wom5 6help h] /r+ !m4 ,soon %e 0 gett+ reque/s f
,bloom+dale's & ,saks ,fif? ,av5ue 6/ock _! /ores4 ,%e travel$ up & d[n !
,ea/ ,coa/ exhibit+ h] l9e4 ,my "m 0 ev5 9vit$ 6be a gue/ on a local talk
%[1 f1tur+ su3ess;l busi;swom54 ,$di1 my dad1 my "m1 & ,i1 all ga!r$ >.d !
,,tv :5 x air$4

,dur+ ,*ri/mas br1k ( my fre%man ye> ,i a3ompani$ my "m on a trip 6,bo/on =
"o ( h] exhibits4 ,i help$ h] set up h] c.t] & organize all h] w>es4 ,all
afn ,i sat ne>by1 pr\dly li/5+ 6! ?r;gs ( p z !y op5ly admir$ ! unusual
gems & figures t -pris$ h] l9e1 &! b1uti;l patt]ns4 ,afws1 :5 we 7 clos+
up1 ,i wav$ my h& ov] ! few rema9+ necklaces & ask$ h] /rai<t \1 8,mom1 has
all ( ? help$ y 6f9d happi;s80

,%e lau<$ & sd1 8,t's a s]i\s "q4 ,i don't 2lieve anymore t y f9d happi;s2
,i ?9k y h 6make x = yrf40

,i r1*$ \ & f.d h] h& re/+ on ! ta# & plac$ my h& on top ( h]s4 8,i j want
y 6be happy10 ,i sd4 8,tell me y're happy40

8,i am10 %e repli$4

,9 ! summ] af fre%man ye> ,i w5t (f 6wre/l+ camp4 ,my f/ week 0 a bla/4
,al? ,i 0 only a f/-ye> wre/l]1 ,i manag$ 6take a ?ird 9 ! midweek taked[n
t\rna;t1 : e>n$ me e>ly respect am;g ! old] kids4 ,! guys at camp 7 t\<1
alm )\t excep;n d$icat$ 6build+ _! /r5g?1 5dur.e1 & wre/l+ skills4 ,0luck
,i got 6"w directly ) ,dan ,ga#1 ,am]ica's mo/ fam\s coa*1 :o 0 "! =a "d &a
half4 ,i 0 on ! mat practic+ moves :5 "o ( my cab9 mates slipp$ up 2h me &
:ack$ me on ! h1d4 ,soon x happ5$ ag1 ? "t on ! butt1 & once m1 back on !
h1d4 ,0n[ ,i li/5$ extra c>e;lly =! next /rike4 ,x 0 a cat & m\se game z ,i
l[]$ my hips & cr\*$ 9 gd wre/l]'s posi;n1 li/5+ 6his s(t mu6l$ foot/eps
mov+ >.d me4 ,:5 ,i felt a tap on my calf1 ,i :eel$ >.d & surpris$ ! (f5d]
)a qk taked[n1 : ,i 3v]t$ 96a half nelson &a p91 "r 9 front ( ,coa* ,ga#4
,"! 7 "s hoots1 :i/les1 & ev5 a ll applause4 ,ga# walk$ ov] 6me &
3gratulat$ me on a nice -b9,n1 !n sp5t ! next fifte5 m9utes "w+ ) me on !
>m l"e1 a deva/at+ move t ,i ev5tu,y le>n$ 6p]fec;n & :1 9 my s5ior ye>1
e>n$ me ?irty-?ree p9s4

,i 0 =tunate 9 w9d+ up 9 ! cab9 t won ! f/-week t\rna;t4 ,x 0 a t\< a?letic
gr\p ( boys1 :o f$ (f "o ano!r & pu%$ ea* o!r 96ev5 hi<] levels ( d$ic,n4
,tgr1 all t5 ( u decid$ 6"utake ! 89t5sive0 program ! second week3 extra
six a4m4 calis!nics & runs1 regul> morn+ & afn ses.ns1 & an extra ev5+
wre/le-(f foll[$ 0a film ses.n4 ,! bi7e/ sacrifice1 ?\<1 0 t 9t5sive
"picipants--ab t5 p]c5t (! camp--miss$ mo/ (! ,?urs"d ni<t d.e )a ne>by
*e]l1d+ camp4 ,my ,sun"d ph"o call home 6my p>5ts 0 full ( excite;t4 ,! f/
week 0 review$ 9 all xs glori\s detail1 & ,i pr\dly rev1l$ my deci.n 6g
9t5sive4 ,i let my mom "k t "! wd 2 no "t 6call ! foll[+ week2 ,i'd 2 too
busy & tir$4 ,i promis$1 ?\<1 6tell h] "ey?+ on ,satur"d1 :5 %e & my dad wd
-e =! big camp-5d+ t\rna;t4

,x 0 ,?urs"d afn1 & ,i 0 tot,y exhau/$ b knew ,i _h 5 9 res]ve 6make x "? !
week4 ,i 0 9 ! mid/ (a taked[n drill :5 a coa* approa*$ say+1 8,]ik1 "!'s a
ph"o call = y 9 ! director's (fice40 ,i foll[$ hm \ (! gym1 wond]+ :at 0
go+ on4 ,:o wd call me 9 ! mi4le (a wre/l+ drill8 ,my dad & mom bo? knew ,i
wd wait 6talk ) !m on ,satur"d4 ,i got 9 8 c> & we drove acr campus1 ! :ole
"t wond]+ :o wd 2 call+4 8,:o's x f80 ,i ask$ ! coa*4

8,i don't "k1 son10 he sd s(tly4 ,a ll sliv] ( worry ran "? my body4 ,! c>
/opp$ & ,i got \4 8,hello ,]ik10 ! voice sd1 & ,i immly recogniz$ x z my
"f's4

8,hey1 ,dad6 ,:at >e y guys do+ "h s e>ly8 ,! t\rna;t's n until ,satur"d40

,li/.sly1 my dad sd1 8,]ik1 ,i'm sorry40 ,8 voice quav]$4 8,"!'s no o!r way
6tell y ?4 ,"!'s be5 a t]ri# c> a3id5t4 ,yr mom's be5 kill$40

8,y m/ 2 jok+10 ,i sd1 b my "f 0 sil5t4 8,x's n true60 ,i %\t$4 8,x cdn't
be60 ,!n1 "k+ x 0 true1 "! 0 a /unn$ sil;e1 foll[$ 0a ru% ( te>s4 ,my dad
/ood /4 ,i /ood / a few feet away1 my body %u4]+1 ! te>s roll+ d[n my face4
,f9,y1 ! h1d (! camp gra2$ me & press$ me ag/ 8 sw1t%irt4 ,my face 0 buri$
9 8 huge1 r.d potbelly4 ,8 sw1t%irt smell$ new & my te>s & snot 7 soak+ x1
b he kept me press$ ag/ hm4 ,my "f1 sapp$ 0! t\<e/ ?+ he "e _h 6d 9 8 5tire
life1 /ood awkw>dly try+ 63trol 8 [n br1?+ &! ?ree ( u so2$ tgr4

,h[ c ,i expla9 ! pa9 t surg$ "? me8 ,if ,i _h g"o bl a ?\s& "ts1 ! pa9 wd
h be5 no?+ 9 -p>ison4 ,if ,i cd h di$ t "d 0only *oos+ x1 ,i wd h di$
9/antly1 b ! human body is /u2orn 9 xs p[] 6cl+ 6life1 ev5 :5 xs [n] wants
6die4 ,h[ cd x be1 ! p]son :o _h savagely protect$ me all my life 0 g"o8

,at ! fun]al ,i /ood 0! c(f9 & t\*$ h] >m fold$ ov] h] *e/4 ,h] sk9 0 cold
& waxy l a clay dummy4 ,i cdn't 2lieve h] w>m mov+ body _h g"o 6?1 b 6me1
:at _h be5 h] 0 n ? clay /atue t lay 9 front ( me4 ,af ! fun]al my bro!rs &
,i walk$ 6! s]vice /,n 6see ! :ite ,saab %e _h be5 driv+ t ni<t4 ,i t\*$ !
w9d%ield & ran my h& acr ! glass4 ,on ! driv]'s side1 my h& felt a cru%$
h1d-%ap$ bulge4 ,"! 0 / dri$ blood on x1 & ,i w9c$ 9 agony z ,i ?"\ ab my
"m's b1uti;l face hitt+ ! w9d%ield1 h] sk9 2+ cut 0! %>p glass4

,summ] 5d$1 s*ool 2gan1 & ,i /ru7l$ 6keep myf up"r4 ,h] d1? 0 s abrupt1
ov]:elm+1 & f9al1 ,i didn't "k h[ 6react4 ,i told myf t j l ! onslau<t (
bl;s1 x didn't matt] h[ ,i react$4 ,no?+ wd br+ h] back4 ,! fact t %e 0 n
"! kept hitt+ me ov] ! h1d3 :5 ,i 0 li/5+ 6a s;g on ! radio1 8,glory ,"ds10
0,bruce ,spr+/e51 or pull+ an old af<an1 ri* ) h] smell1 f a cab9et4 ,i
kept 3v9c+ myf t %e 0 g"o ="e1 t ,i wd n"e see h] ag =! re/ ( my life4 ,%e
wdn't pick me up f s*ool or curl up on h] b$ af d9n] 6r1d al\d 6me4 ,:5 ,i
woke up 9 ! morn+1 = j a mo;t 2f 2com+ fully awake1 my he>t lift$ ) hope t
h] d1? 0 j a bad dr1m4


,x seem$ s unfair4 ,my life _h f9,y tak5 a turn =! bett]4 ,i 0 gett+ pretty
gd at wre/l+1 mak+ new frs1 f9,y le>n+ ,brl4 ,i 0 2g9n+ 6rega9 myf af bl;s4
,i _h 2gun 6take :at 0 left af ! loss & reassem# ! pieces1 =c+ !m 6fit tgr4
,j z ,i 2gan 6"k t bl;s cd n kill my hope or happi;s1 ano!r bl[1 twice z
deva/at+ z ! f/1 _h slapp$ me d[n ag4 ,maybe we 7 n"e suppos$ 6be truly
happy1 ,i ?"\ af h] d1?4 ,maybe we 7 n"e m1nt 6take 3trol ( \r lives1 6ga9
ma/]y ov] x4 ,maybe life is a p]petual s]ies ( losses4 ,if "! 0 a ,god1 he
m/ 5joy putt+ humans "? a grt cruel puni%;t1 l he _h d"o 6,job 9 ! ,bi#1 an
5d.s puni%;t1 : =ces u 6scram# & f9d ways ( liv+ ) less4 ,god kills (f a
vital piece ( \r lives1 "o t we ?"\ 0 mo/ important1 we scram# 6make d )a
ll less1 & !n he takes t away too4

,my bro!rs 7 9 college1 & x 0 only my "f & ,i liv+ 9 ! big h\se4 ,dad wd
l1ve = "w at #e3cj a4m41 wak+ me up 2f he w5t4 8,"!'s a cass]ole on ! c.t]4
,h1t x up at f\r hundr$ = an h\r4 ,i laid x \ 6?aw10 he'd say4 ,"s"ts af
s*ool1 ,i'd -e home 6! big sil5t h\se & ,i'd crave h] pres;e s badly1 ,i'd
h tr\# br1?+4 ,i'd ?9k3 ,h[ cd %e n 2 "h 9 ? h\se ) all h] clo!s &
posses.ns &! p %e lov$8 ,"s"ts ! ye>n+ wd 2 s /r;g1 x wd tug at me1 pull+
at my 9sides1 until ,i _h 6d "s?+4 ,!n ,i'd lay faced[n on h] side (! b$ &
s"m my face 9 h] %eets & pill[s4 ,ev5 ?\< !y _h be5 wa%$1 ,i cd cat* traces
( h] smell1 ( h] cr1ms & h] sk94 ,o!r "ts1 ,i'd sit 9 h] closet surr.d$
0all h] coats & dresses1 try+ 6lose myf 9 ! famili> fragr.e1 try+ 6pret5d t
if h] smell 0 "!1 !n %e m/ 2 too1 or at l1/ "s": ne>4 ,i'd pick up all h]
%oes1 "o 0"o1 see+ if ,i cd s5se h] pres;e "? !m4 ,i'd imag9e t :ile ,i 0
t\*+ !m 9 ! closet1 %e 0 t\*+ !m 9 "s o!r _w4 ,i want$ 6/ay 9 "!1 6live "!
="e1 buri$ 9 h] coats & dresses & %oes4 ,b !n ,i'd he> ! door sw+ op5 z my
"f came home f "w & ,i'd ru% \ s ,i wdn't 2 4cov]$4

,wre/l+ gave me a focus &a s5se ( purpose4 ,i decid$ t my f/ mat* (! s1son
wd 2 d$icat$ 6my mom4 ,? 0 a p]sonal deci.n4 ,i %>$ x ) no "o1 b drew grt
9spir,n f x4 ,) my "m's =ce guid+ me1 ,i felt 9v9ci#4 ,i 0 driv5 & "w$ h>d]
?an "e4 ,i cdn't wait =! s1son op5]4 ,ev5 :5 ,i f9,y settl$ 96a wei<t
class1 at #adb p.ds1 & le>n$ t my oppon5t 0 a runn]-up 9 la/ ye>'s /ate
*ampion%ips1 ,i 0 n %ak54 ,i _h d$icat$ myf 6? mat*1 6h]1 & ,i cdn't lose4
,i knew ,i cdn't4

,b ,i did4 ,i 0 n"e re,y 9 ! mat*1 & lo/ #aj-b4 ,i 0 absolutely deva/at$4
,i _hn't wre/l$ my be/1 f> f x4 ,i _h re,y let myf d[n1 & my mom4 ,i cd
h>dly live )! feel+ ( guilt & failure4

,t ni<t 0 hot & /icky z ,i fell 96a re/.s sleep1 / reel+ ov] ! wre/l+
def1t1 my "m's fun]al1 &! cru%$ c>4 ,i dr1m$ ,i 0 9 ! lock] room ( my s*ool
2f a wre/l+ mat*4 ,9 ! dr1m1 ,i cd see 9 vivid color1 b x 0 an aw;l vi.n1 !
room lit 0a *1p fluoresc5t bulb1 ca/+ twi/$ %ad[s acr ! room4 ,x 0 a ni<t
mat* &! small hi< lock]-room w9d[s 7 black4 ,"sh[ we _h made x 6a /ate
*ampion%ip4 ,! :ole t1m 0 9 ! room1 sitt+ on b5*es & talk+ s(tly & n]v\sly
z !y ge>$ up4 ,i knew t "ey?+ 0 rid+ on ? mat*4 ,i al "sh[ knew t my
oppon5t 0 a hulk+ pres;e2 "o ,i knew wd cru% me4 ,! t1m talk$ too s(tly &
n]v\sly1 z ?\< !y didn't want 64turb ! sil;e4 ,!n1 ,i he>d ! 2g9n+ (a rum#1
& next1 ! d1f5+ crack (! wall z ! :ite ,saab came cra%+ "?4 ,spl9t]s (
pla/] & wood flew "ey":4 ,metal lock]s flew "? ! room &! 5g9e revv$ deeply4
,b5*es crack$ 9 half1 s5d+ wre/l]s tumbl+4 ,i cd see cle>ly "? ! ris+ smoke
& w9d%ield4 ,"! 0 no driv]1 & angry ne$les ( metal jutt$ f ! grill l tee?4
,i cd see ! crack$1 blood-/r1k$ bulge 9 ! w9d%ield1 l "o %att]$ eye1 />+
pa/ me1 6"s": f> 9 ! 4t.e or f> 96! pa/4 ,! aw;l vi.n wd haunt me l ! mo/
t]rify+ ,/eph5 ,k+ novel4 ,i knelt d[n 9 ! %>ds ( glass & debris1 n ev5 c>+
ab my b>e knees1 & scr1m$1 b x wasn't my voice4 ,x 0 ! hope.s1 hi<-pit*$
wail ( my "m t ,*ri/mas ,"d :5 my bro!rs & "f _h c>ri$ h] (f 6! em]g5cy
room4

,i woke up kneel+ ag/ my b$room w9d[1 & ,i 0 sma%+ my [n fi/s & face ag/ !
black glass1 ag & ag4 ,! t\< /orm-pro( ,plexiglas refus$ 6%att]1 h["e1 b my
[n face gu%$ ) blood & x ran d[n ! glass4 8,oh ,god6 ,oh ,god6 ,oh ,god60
,i cri$1 ta/+ ! famili> metallic liquid 9 my m\?4 8,don't let x 2 true4 ,oh
,god6 ,pl1se don't let x 2 true40


,once a week af s*ool1 ,mr4 ,we/]velt1 ! assi/ant pr9cipal1 l$ 4cus.ns 9 a
gr\p ( /ud5ts & t1*]s :o _h lo/ a p>5t4 ,9 ! gr\p1 "! 7 two si/]s :o _h lo/
_! mom 6br1/ c.er &a boy ^: "f _h -mitt$ suicide4 ,mr4 ,we/]velt's dad _h
rec5tly di$ too4

,lately1 especi,y af my 4mal 4play on ! wre/l+ mat1 ,i'd ?"\ a lot ab ,god1
mo/ly ab :e!r he exi/$ at all4 ,i want$ 62lieve he 0 r1l1 2c t 0 ! only way
t "s?+ ( my mom cd / exi/4 ,b :5 ,i _h look$ = h] on e>?1 ,i _h only be5
left ) an empty feel+ ( loss1 & :5 ,i look$ = h] 9 h1v51 ! /r5g? t ,i _h
ga!r$ f h] _h be5 a lie4 ,! wre/l+ mat* _h prov5 t1 %att]+ my fragile %ell
( fai?4 ,at ! next meet+ ( ^? :o _h lo/ a p>5t1 ! local pa/or 0 "! 6help
/ud5ts sort \ _! feel+s4 ,z he talk$ 6! o!r /ud5ts1 ,i ?"\ ab ! deva/at+
mat*1 & ,i decid$ 63front hm ab x & h[ x cd possibly fit 9 ) ,god's 8div9e
purpose40 ,i lau<$ grimly 6myf1 2c ,i knew ,i 0 sett+ ! pa/or up = failure4
,i 0 pres5t+ hm )a te/ he cd n possibly pass4 ,i want$ 6li/5 6hm squirm 9 8
s1t z he mutt]$ & mum#d 8 lame response1 probably quot+ f "s >cane passage
9 ! ,bi#4 ,i told my /ory1 go+ sl[ly1 paus+ frequ5tly 6take deep br1?s4
8,h[ cd ,i h possibly lo/ )! -b9$ tag-t1m wei<t ( ,god & my "m 9 my corn]80
,! pa/or paus$ = j a second & !n ask$ a "q4

8,c y tell me :at happ5s :5 y w9 a mat*80

8,x's grt10 ,i respond$ eag]ly4 ,i ?"\ back 6my f/ w94 8,! cr[d goes nuts &
yr t1m ru%es \ onto ! mat4 ,y're surr.d$ 0bodies4 ,!y slap y on ! back &
hug y40

8,& ":'s yr "m 9 all ( ? excite;t80

,i paus$4 8,i'm n sure4 ,%e's "! "s":1 9 ! /&s10 ,i sd1 8b "!'s no way %e c
get 6me "? ! cr[d & my t1m40

,sp1k+ v s(tly & sl[ly1 he repli$1 8,isn't t true8 ,"!'s j no room = h]4
,]ik1 :5 y w9 & y're surr.d$ 0yr t1m &! cr[d1 :5 all is well1 :5 life is
grt1 y don't ne$ yr mom1 b :5 y're fac$ ) di6iculty1 :5 y're 4c\rag$1 :5
y're /ru7l+1 & y don't "k :e!r y w 2 a# 6summon 5 /r5g? 6hang on1 :5 y ne$
h] mo/1 %e'll 2 "!4 ,%e's ) y n[4 ,i "k y feel h] love & h] /r5g?40 ,i sat
back 9 my *air4 ,! smoo? ev5 ^ws _h gott5 9side me4 ,cd ,i feel h]8 ,cd he
2 "r8 ,x made s5se4 ,i / didn't "k :y ,god _h tak5 h] away1 :y he _h tak5
away my si<t1 :y my life seem$ 6be fill$ ) s m* loss1 ) v ll ga91 b despite
t1 ! pa/or's ^ws "sh[ gave me -=t4

,we 5d$ ! "d's meet+ ) an ex]cise4 ,mr4 ,we/]velt sd1 8,:5 y lose a p>5t1
!y live on 9side y4 ,!y 2come a "p ( y40 ,"m's ,"d 0 -+ up & he su7e/$ t we
write a c>d & r1d x 6\rvs on ,"m's ,"d4 ,i wrote a ,brl c>d & put x 9 my
mailbox &1 on ,sun"d1 pull$ x \ & r1d x4

,de> ,mom1

,i've look$ = y1 ,mom1 9 yr pill[1 9 yr coats1 9 yr %oes4 ,i've ev5 look$ =
y 9 h1v51 9 ,god1 b ,i c't seem 6f9d y4 ,! pa/or says yr _s w guide me &
give me /r5g? 9 "ts ( tr\#4 ,x's s 3fus+4 ,i don't "k ": 6look anymore4
,mr4 ,we/]velt says ,i %d look = y 9side ( me4 ,s1 t's ": ,i'll 2g9 look+
n[1 & ,i hope ,i f9d y "!1 & don't y worry1 2c :]"e y >e1 ,i won't /op
look+ until ,i f9d y4

,i love y4

,]ik