#b
,a ,_w ,in-,2t

,0sev5? grade my si<t grew worse & refus$ 6/abilize4 ,ea* morn+ ,i woke up
6a new level ( dim9i%$ vi.n &! less5$ expect,ns t w5t ) x4 ,my _w seem$ 6be
gett+ small]1 l ! old sci;e-fic;n movies 9 : ! h]oes >e trapp$ 2t two walls
clos+ 9 on !m4 ,"s"ts ,i ?"\ x wd h be5 bett] if x _h happ5$ all at once1 !
viol5t bang (a door slamm+1 v]sus ! ma45+ly sl[ squ1k z a breeze pu6s x
%ut4

,i _h be5 walk+ 6! s*ool bus /op =a ye>4 ,x 0 z famili> 6me z my b$room4 ,i
knew h[ ! pave;t 3tra/$ )! grass & %rubs4 ,i knew ! smoo? d>k sec;ns1 newly
pav$2 ! li<t] bl1*$ places2 &! places ": ! potholes w]e4 ,i knew all !
curves &! slopes uphill & d[nhill4 ,b my view (! _w 0 *ang+ s fa/4 ,x 0
/range hav+ s* a famili> place su45ly 2come sc>y & =eign2 dim1 d>k %apes
twi/$ & quiv]$ at ! $ge ( my vi.n4 ,no?+ ,i saw 0 r1l &1 z my vi.n flick]$1
,i imag9$ mon/]s ) scaly bodies & bulg+ eyes wait+ j \ ( view1 bl5d+ 9 )!
knee-hi< %rubs on ! side (! road4 ,i'd turn my h1d qkly1 try+ 6see !m squ>e
on1 b !y'd creep deftly back 6! p]iph]y1 trans=m+ 96flick]s once ag4 ,s
,i'd give up & walk qkly1 3c5trat+ on ! pave;t1 hop+ t if ,i kept my si<t
on ! road & block$ ! mon/]s \ ( my m9d1 !y'd /ay froz5 9 ! grass & %rubs4
,2f1 si<t _h protect$ me l a w>rior's amulet1 b n[ ,i 0 easy prey & !y 7
all mov+ 9 on me4 ,ea* "d z ,i walk$ 6! bus ,i brac$ myf1 ti<t5+ my muscles
= _! attack4

,dur+ s*ool x 2came h>d] = me n 6notice ! 9cr1s+ di6];es 2t myf & o!r
normal kids4 ,af recess my eyes ne$$ at l1/ tw5ty m9utes 6adju/ 6! 9side
li<t (! classroom4 ,i felt fooli% wait+ at ! doorway1 answ]+ c.t.s "qs ab
:y ,i 0 /&+ "!4 ,i got gd at mak+ up biz>re excuses4 ,"s"ts ,i'd tell
classmates t ,i 0 9 big tr\# & _h 6meet ! pr9cipal4 ,o!r "ts ,i'd say t ,i
0 wait+ =a pizza deliv]y4

,:5 ,i sat 9 class1 us+ my monocul> 9 ! front r[1 ,i notic$ ! lrs on !
blackbo>d 2com+ m & m 4tant1 &! pr9t 9 textbooks melt+ away l an ice cube
squeez$ 9 my h&4 ,i 0 =c$ 6use l>ge pr9t books t 7 m ?an twice ! size ( my
old books & spann$ _m volumes4 ,i c>ri$ !m >.d 9 a backpack al;g ) my ?ick
r1d+ glasses1 monocul>1 & magnify+ glass4

,0n[1 ,i _h only sket*y p]iph]al si<t2 ,i _h 6look at ! ceil+ 9 ord] 6see
/rai<t ah1d4 ,i 0 emb>rass$ :5 ,mit*1 a bully 9 my class1 look$ at ! ceil+1
!n back at me1 & sd1 8,:at >e y look9' at1 googly eyes80 ,9 ! morn+1 small
hazy %apes hov]$ 9 my field ( vi.n & "s"ts ev5 exp&$ 63sume my 5tire field4
,x 0 l pe]+ "? a transluc5t glass %[] door4 ,:5 pieces ( vi.n broke away1 !
bra9 fill$ 9 ! gaps ) t9y objects4 ,! e6ect 0 l a weird fun h\se ) objects
twi/+ & %ak+ 9 all direc;ns4 ,"s"ts1 ! blackbo>d seem$ 6%ake s viol5tly 9
front ( me t ,i 2came dizzy & _h 6close my eyes4 ,usu,y 0afn my vi.n grew
cle>] b1 ev5tu,y1 x wd n improve z ! "d progress$4

,al? my vi.n 0 4appe>+ qkly1 ,i 0 n 3sum$ 0! loss xf1 b 9/1d 0 fixat$ on
all ! ?+s my frs cd d s easily4 ,i desp]ately focus$ on try+ 6keep up ) my
si<t$ frs1 _m ( :om play$ organiz$ sports4 ,sports l basketball _h s _m
precise rules3 :5 6drib#1 :5 6pass1 ?ree seconds 9 ! lane1 %oot+ at a t9y
r.d net4 ,! rules 7 s 3f9+1 ,i cdn't excel1 & 9/1d f.d myf drift+ 6a gr\p (
kids t _h no 9t]e/ 9 organiz$ sports4 ,_! games _h no rules1 or we'd make
!m up z we w5t al;g4 ,"s (! games 7 riski] & m adv5tur\s ?an ! "os ,i _h
giv5 up1 b 2+ 9clud$ 0 m important ?an ! fe> ( gett+ hurt4

,ea* morn+1 2f ! s*ool bell rang1 we 7 corrall$ 96! cafet]ia :ile t1*]s
patroll$ ! halls1 mak+ sure no /ud5ts escap$4 ,i'd cr\* d[n 2s ! cafet]ia
door l1d+ 96! hallway1 )a scra7ly pack ( boys4 ,t$ wd give ! signal1 & all
tgr we'd lope d[n ! hallway 9 ! opposite direc;n (! on-duty t1*]4 ,n9e "ts
\ ( t5 a t1*] wd give *ase & we'd zigzag "? ! halls1 ! t1*] "r 2h u4 ,on "o
*ase1 ,i misjudg$ ! turns & ran smack 96a 3crete wall4 ,! t1*] paus$ =a
mo;t1 wat*+ my crumpl$ =m on ! gr.d1 !n hurri$ (f af ! o!r boys4 ,i 0 bl[n
away 9 4belief4 ,he _hn't pick$ me up r\<ly & haul$ me 6! (fice 6fill \ a
p9k slip l ! o!rs4 ,he _hn't ev5 9dicat$ t he'd 2 back = me4 ,i 0 an
9significant lump on ! gr.d1 n ev5 wor?y (a l\sy det5;n or an 9t]im report
6my p>5ts4 ,8 response spawn$ 9 me a goal3 6elevate myf 6! rank ( s]i\s
(f5d]4

,"s"ts my frs & ,i wd ga!r 9 a l>ge empty janitor's room4 ,mit*1 !
self-appo9t$ l1d] (! gang1 wd alw h a few id1s 6pass ! "t4 8,:5 ,i say !
^w1 we'll ?r[ \r milk 3ta9]s "? ! libr>y door4 ,aim = ,yoda40 ,yoda 0 \r
plump1 r.d libr>ian4 ,or he'd say1 8,we'll take ^! mu69s & /uff !m 9side !
guit>s 9 ! music room40 ,"o "d he turn$ 6me4 8,bl9d5heim]1 "ey"o 9 ? room
has be5 9 a fi<t4 ,y're ! only "o :o hasn't4 ,h[ -e8 ,td's ! "d y get 96a
fi<t ''' or y fi<t me40 ,i actu,y /epp$ back1 ?9k+ =a mo;t t ,i cd make x
"? ! door & back "u ! scrut9iz+ eye (! hallway monitor1 b !n ,i r1liz$ h[
impossi# t wd be4 8,h[ 'b\t at lun*80 ,i su7e/$1 my he>t pump+ adr5al9e 96e
corn] ( my body4 ,maybe ,i cd f9d a six? grad]1 ,i ?"\4

8,h[ 'b\t n[10 he repli$ *all5g+ly4 ,i pe]$ >.d ! room4 ,t$ 0 at l1/ a foot
tall] ?an me1 &! o!r kids _h talk$ ab hm hav+ a be>d & mu/a*e4 ,6his "r 0
,mike4 ,i _h rum#d ) hm once on ! field dur+ recess4 ,8 =e>ms bulg$4 ,ev5
,mit* didn't mess ) hm4 ,i elim9at$ ea* (! o!r kids 9 ! room4 ,f9,y1 my
eyes focus$ on ,*uck4 ,he 0 tall] ?an me & m* bi7]1 b ! o!rs call$ hm 8baby
fat40 ,"s"ts 9 ! hallway1 ,*uck wd cr\* d[n & pop up 96my field ( vi.n4
,he'd l1n 8 face close up 6m9e1 s he 0 sure ,i cd see hm4 ,!n he'd wid5 8
eyes & roll !m >.d 9 8 h1d & crane 8 neck up t[>d ! ceil+4 ,i didn't l hm
m* &1 2ss1 he 0 ! only kid 9 ! room ,i _h a *.e ( tak+4 ,my eyes 7 po9t$ up
at ! ceil+1 4guis+ :om ,i _h focus$ on4 8,i *oose ''' ,*uck10 ,i %\t$1 l[]+
my h1d & ru%+ at hm4 ,*uck _h a l>ge h1d1 l>ge face1 & b"r r$ hair1 : made
8 face easy 6spot4 ,my fi/ 3nect$1 & ,i felt ,*uck's face1 "u my fi/1 squi%
back wetly4 ,8 h1d b\nc$ holl[ly (f ! wall4 ,x made me a ll sick1 ?9k+ ab t
squi%+ s5s,n &! holl[ ?unk ( 8 h1d1 s ,i 0 actu,y a ll glad :5 ,*uck hit me
back & ,i felt my [n lip squi% back ag/ my tee?4 ,af t1 we lock$ >ms &
circl$ >.d ea* o!r4 8,look at ! two fa7ots1 too sc>$ ev5 6hit ea* o!r10 ,i
he>d ,mit* sne]4 ,i 0 reliev$ :5 ,i he>d ! bell r+1 & we _h 64p]se4 ,all t
"d ,i told frs ab ! fi<t4 ,t$ ov]he>d me once4 8,t wasn't no fi<t10 he
sc(f$4 8,t 0 j two sissies bit*slapp+ ea* o!r40 ,/1 ,i cdn't get ! s5s,n (
my fi/ ag/ 8 face \ ( my bra91 bo? sick5+ &a ll exhil>at+4

,"e s9ce ,i came close 6collid+ a fr's dirt bike 96a mov+ c> t happ5$ 6be
driv5 0my "m1 my p>5ts 2gan re/rict+ c]ta9 activities4 ,b no matt] h[ _m
"ts !y sd no 6? & no 6t1 m untapp$ dang]s await$1 j >.d ! corn]4 ,"! 7
caves 6sli!r "?1 unf9i%$ h\ses 6explore1 b\ld]s 6jump (f1 & cli6s 6climb4
,at ! ,devil's ,gl51 a fa/-fl[+ riv] runn+ 2t hi< granite rocks1 we swam &
jump$ (f ! walls4 ,i /ood ) my frs =ty feet ov] ! wat] on a protru.n (
rock4 ,ea* d>$ ! o!r 6be ! f/ 6jump4 ,n"o wd v5ture f/4 ,i look$ d[n2 ,i cd
see ! sunlit rocky l$ge close 6me drift+ 96empty black;s4 ,i knew t "! 0 a
fifte5-by-fifte5-foot op5+ ": x 0 safe 6jump4 ,2y t1 rocks lurk$ only s"eal
feet 2n ! surface4 ,i took a /ick & 2gan 6po9t t[>d ! wat]4 8,"r "!80 ,i'd
ask n]v\sly4

8,no60 my fr ,*ris repli$ ev5 m n]v\sly4 ,a few "ts ,i ev5 po9t$ 6>1s ,i
knew v well 7 full ( rocks1 j 6he> :at ,*ris wd say4 8,no10 he sd urg5tly4
,i po9t$ ! /ick a foot 6! "r4 8,m =w>d10 ,*ris told me4 ,0po9t+ & repo9t+1
,i figur$ \ ! direc;n (! safe >ea4 ,!n1 )a deep br1? & cl5*$ tee?1 ,i l1p$
(f ! l$ge1 =ty feet ( 5d.s fall+ 96! un"kn1 & !n f9,y spla%+ 96! wat]4 ,i
l&$ at ! $ge (! op5+ & t\*$ my foot ag/ an "uwat] rock4 ,a ll %ak51 ,i
lau<$ 6my frs t ,i _h f.d a rock !y cdn't ev5 see4

,mit* "s"ts came 6! ,gl51 b he'd alw make excuses = n jump+ (f ! rocks4
8,-e on ,mit*1 jump in10 ,*ris wd say4

8,c't y see ,i'm busy smok+ a cig>ette80 he'd reply4 8,maybe lat]40 ,ov] !
weeks ,i 2gan 6notice h[ sc>$ ,mit* 0 ( hei<ts4 ,he'd /& at ! $ge & ,i'd
he> 8 br1?s exhale a t9y bit fa/] & alm imp]cepti# groan+ s.ds escape f 8
m\?4 ,!n1 he'd walk back 6a b\ld] & sit d[n4 8,y're sc>$4 ,j admit x10
,*ris wd say4

8,y1h1 sc>$ ( bloody+ up yr fat h1d10 ,mit* wd retort4 ,once1 ,i /ood on !
$ge r1dy 6jump & ,mit* scram#d d[n 2s me4 8,gonna jump td80 ,i ask$4

8,maybe1 maybe n10 he sd4 8,i'll tell y "o ?+1 ?\<4 ,if yr bl ass c d x1 ,i
"k ,i c60

8,oh1 y1h80 ,i sd4

8,y1h10 he sd4 ,b ,i knew he 0 blu6+4

,i look$ d[n at ! abyss & ?"\ ( all ! "ts ,mit* _h popp$ me = /upid r1sons2
! "t he _h pun*$ me 9 ! face 2c he sd ,i _h spray$ spit on 8 pizza1 ! "t he
_h knock$ ! w9d \ ( me = tripp+ hm 0mistake ) my cane4 8,td's yr "d10 ,i
sd4

,i gra2$ 8 >m & l1p$ (f ! l$ge 9 ! direc;n (! op5 wat]1 li/5+ z ,mit* let \
a t]rify+ cry4 ,:5 ,i spla%$ 96! wat] f> 2l1 ) ,mit* / 9 swan dive posi;n j
abv me1 ,i alr felt guilty & hop$ he wasn't re,y hurt4 ,i broke away "uwat]
& attempt$ an escape1 b :5 ,i crawl$ up onto ! bank1 ,i knew ,mit* 0 j f9e1
2c 8 fa/-bruis+ fi/s 7 "! 6greet me4

,ne> my h\se1 a %ort hike "? ! woods1 0 a l>ge net"w ( black1 murky swamps4
,at ! $ge 0 a brok5-d[n dock on : ,i wd fi% = h\rs 9 ! summ] mon?s4
,"sbody's old alum9um flat-bottom boat 0 ti$ 6! 5d1 & (t5 ,i'd slip away 9
x =a ll adv5ture4 ,i'd glide "? ! black1 imp5etra# wat]4 ,! h1d (! boat wd
cut "? a lay] ( algae & decompos+ l1ves1 cr1t+ a trail ( op5 wat] 2h4 ,i cd
look back & see ! lay] ( scum -e tgr ag1 cutt+ (f my pa? home4 ,i te/$ myf
0pa4l+ f>!r & f>!r 96! n>r[ *annels1 ev5tu,y le>n+ 6maneuv] "? ! 3fus+
maze4 ,i us$ ! famili> pat*es ( sunli<t blanket+ ! wat] &! gn>l$ patt]ns (
oak trunks 6guide me4 ,"s"ts ,i got s lo/ t ,i 0 on ! v]ge ( panic1 b alw
manag$ 6f9d my way \4 ,i 5joy$ feel+ responsi# = my [n de/9y1 ev5 if x 0
sc>y4 ,o3a.n,y ,i glid$ 96a huge /icky spid]web hang+ abv ! wat]1 & "s"ts
96a fall5 rott5 tree1 ) xs mossy t5tacles creep+ acr my face4 ,once1 ,i alm
glid$ 96a l>ge copp]h1d hang+ f a limb 9 front ( me4 ,! r$di%-br[n color (!
snake came 96focus only a c\ple ( 9*es f my face4 ,i ?rew my body ag/ !
metal deck1 my he>t ne>ly explod+ \ ( my *e/4

,fi%+ on ! 5d (! dock1 ,i'd purposely sc>e myf 0imag9+ my body spla%+ "? !
?ick lay] ( scum & 96! murky w>m wat] fill$ ) /rik+ snakes1 eels1 & o!r
cr1tures m* worse4 ,i _h be5 li/5+ 6a book on tape 5titl$ ..,! ,_w's ,mo/
,dang]\s .,animals1 & _h j f9i%$ ! *apt] 5titl$1 8,sea ,crocs1 ! ,savage
,man-eat]40 ,i pe]$ d[n at ! wat]1 hav+ a h>d "t 3v9c+ myf t ! d>k slimy
tree /umps protrud+ f ! surface w]5't ! scaly h1ds ( sea crocs4

,"s"ts1 my frs wd fi% at ! dock too4 ,:5 ,i %>$ ! 5d (! dock ) ,mit*1 ,i 0
alw a ll jumpy1 afraid 6turn my back4

8,i bet "! >e a lot ( eels & snakes "u "!10 ,mit* sd1 look+ at ! wat] & !n
at me4

,"o "d ,mit* sna7$ 8 lure on an "uwat] root1 &! l9e snapp$4 ,)\t a ^w1 he
2gan te>+ "? my tackle box1 look+ = ano!r lure4 ,i hat$ ! ?"\ ( ,mit*'s
dirty f+]s1 /a9$ ) toba3o1 rummag+ "? my tackle box4 8,get \ ( "!10 ,i sd4

,i he>d 8 br1? z he look$ up at me4 8,y m1n 6tell me y're n gonna %>e ) yr
gd bu4y1 ,mit*80 he sd4

8,get yr gru2y f+]s \ ( my tackle box & !n ,i'll decide10 ,i repli$1 b ,i
don't ?9k ? 0 ! response ,mit* _h be5 look+ =1 2c ,i he>d 8 b>e feet ?u4+
t[>d me & felt 8 sw1ty body pl[+ 96me1 pu%+ me back t[>d ! $ge4 ,i fell
back1 l&+ on ! $ge (! dock4 ,my "r %\ld] hung ov] ! $ge1 ) ,mit*'s slick
fle% on top ( me4 ,i cd feel 8 >ms di7+ "u my side1 try+ 6pry my body up &
ov]1 b x w5t rigid ) fe>4 ,i ?"\ (! l\d spla% my body wd make1 ! f/ slimy
t\* (a sea croc z x swam 0=a trial run1 & f9,y ! razor tee? s9k+ 96my leg4
,! ?"\ (! tee? 0 5\<4 ,x gave me ! 5]gy = "o la/ ?ru/4 ,i >*$ my body up &
felt ,mit* slid+ ov] me4 ,8 body j]k$ & wri!d z he snat*$ = "s?+ 6grab4
,ly+ on my back on ! dock1 ,i he>d ! spla%4 ,he ?ra%$ >.d1 emitt+ a %rill
:imp]4 ,i didn't wait 6le>n :e!r a sea croc _h seiz$ hold ( 8 m1ty leg1 s
,i scurri$ furi\sly d[n ! dock 6safety4

,a few "ds lat] ,i %u6l$ d[n ! dock 6g fi%+4 ,i _h a cool] 9 "o h& &a fi%+
pole 9 ! o!r4 ,al? ,i ru2$ my eyes rep1t$ly1 ,i cd n cle> ! %apes t float$
9 my vi.n4 ,halfway d[n ! dock my field ( vi.n %ook & ,i actu,y saw ! wood5
planks (! dock mov+ 9 two direc;ns4 ,i *ose ! dock 6! left & z my foot
dangl$ 9 empti;s1 ,i knew ,i _h made ! wr;g deci.n4 ,my >ms flail$ = "s?+1
any?+ 6grab1 b "! 0 only air4 ,z ,i tum#d h1dl;g 96un"kn space1 frantic
?"\s fla%$ "? my m9d4 ,i 5vi.n$ myf splitt+ my h1d on a rock1 /a2+ myf on a
ja7$ /ump1 or worse1 m* worse1 plung+ 96! murky black;s & 96! snapp+ swirl
( hungry1 man-eat+ pr$ators4 ,?ick wat] swall[$ me up1 & ,i *ok$ = br1?4
,my m\? emitt$ %ort hi< :imp]s ( fe> z ,i ?ra%$ >.d1 feel+ =! po/ (! dock4
,if "! 7 sea crocs 9 ! vic9;y1 !y surely wd h be5 on me )! noise ,i 0
cr1t+4 ,my >m bang$ ag/ ! wood5 po/1 & ,i snat*$ x & %immi$ my way up &
back onto ! dock4 ,!n1 ,i sat "! %ak+ & survey+ my scrapes & bruises t ,i 0
2g9n+ 6feel4 ,hundr$s ( spl9t]s 7 buri$ 9 my h&s & =e>ms1 & ,i pull$ !m \ )
my tee?4 ,z ,i untangl$ myf f my fi%+ l9e t _h "sh[ wrapp$ >.d my body1 ,i
felt s /upid4 ,mit*1 ! t\<e/ bully 9 s*ool1 _hn't be5 a# 6?r[ me in1 b ,i
_h manag$ 6c>ry x \ p]fectly on my [n4 8,i cd h kill$ myf10 ,i rep1t$1
until ! r1liz,n sank in4 ,i didn't feel l fi%+ anymore1 & ,i 0 too sc>$
6walk back d[n ! dock1 s ,i crawl$ on my knees1 emb>rass$ & sc>$4

,z my _w d>k5$1 x seem$ z ?\< my "m's did too4 ,"e s9ce we _h mov$ back f
,h;g ,k;g1 h] h>d %ell 2gan 6%[ m & m cracks4 ,h] moods e2$ & fl[$ 0"s
my/]i\s1 unpredicta# cycle4 ,= "ds %e bub#d ov] ) \tp\r+s ( a6ec;n1 lau<$ &
told /ories1 & woke up e>ly 6make me pancakes & drive me 6s*ool4 ,9 ^! "ts1
%e 0 fill$ ) p5t-up 5]gy1 3/antly vacuum+1 mopp+1 & du/+4 ,on h] cl1n+
spurts1 %e organiz$ ,$di & me 96\r [n ll cl1n+ brigade & ord]$ u 6scrub !
ba?rooms & we$ ! g>d54 ,on h] 9spec;n1 %e wd only a3ept spot.s "w4 ,!n on
o!r "ds %e wd g 96h] room1 close ! door1 & sleep all "d l;g1 "s"ts only
gett+ \ ( b$ 6get a b[l ( s\p4 ,%e j lay quietly 9 h] d>k room1 curl$ up 9
a ball4 ,:5 ,i came 9 6talk 6h]1 %e sc>$ me 0talk+ ab h] [n d1?4 8,if any?+
7 "e 6happ5 6me10 %e sd1 8,i want y *n 6h all ! ?+s ,i h collect$4 ,if yr
"f m>ries ag1 ,i don't want "s "y floozy 6get any ( x40

8,mom10 ,i 9t]rupt$1 8/op talk+ l t4 ,y've got a :ole future ah1d ( y40 ,b
%e m/ h =gott5 h] "f's advice to 8look /rai<t ah1d10 2c x 0 z ?\< h] eyes
saw "? a re>view mirror 6! color & adv5ture %e _h left 2h 9 ,h;g ,k;g4 8,&
,i don't want 6be buri$1 ,i want 6be cremat$ & h my a%es scatt]$ ov] ! ,s\?
,*9a ,sea40

,9 ! physical _w \tside my home1 my dad _h alw excell$3 he _h won !
/ud5t/a?lete aw>d 9 hi< s*ool1 _h be5 ! honor man \ ( six hundr$ o!r ,m>9es
9 (fic]'s c&idate s*ool1 & _h rec5tly 2come ! h1d ( human res\rces =a l>ge
,wall ,/reet firm4 ,e *all5ge he set 8 m9d to1 he 0 ! be/ &! b"re/1 s :y
wasn't he ! be/ at br++ my "m happi;s8 ,maybe ! responsibil;y re/$ on me4
,"s"ts ,i wd climb f \r second-floor balcony & sit on ! /eep ro( = h\rs4 ,i
want$ 6rescue h]1 6sweep h] up 9 my >ms & c>ry h] back "? "t 6h] brilliant
pa/4 ,2y t impossibil;y1 ,i didn't "k :at 6d4 ,i tri$ 6keep my room v cl1n1
6make my b$ e morn+ & 6fold & put my laundry away1 b 9 h] solitude %e
didn't notice4

,maybe1 ,i ?"\1 x 0 ? place t made h] s sad1 ) my "f (f 9 ! _w a*iev+1 l1v+
h] al"o 9 \r big h\se on ! hill1 fill$ )! priz$ furniture & >tifacts %e _h
br"\ back f h] travels 6,9dia1 ,paki/an1 ,korea1 & ,?ail&4 ,\r h\se 0 an
,asian museum4 ,my six? grade class _h ev5 tak5 a field trip 6my h\se4 ,at
! 5tr.eway my classmates _h replac$ sn1k]s ) silk ,*9ese slipp]s & g"o on a
t\r4 ,!y gawk$ at ! f\r-foot burni%$ ,bu4ha on ! fireplace he>? & at !
bronze sculptures ( tig]s & elephants1 ! color;lly pa9t$ antique *e/s1 !
,9dian .pishwas & ,tibetan pray] :eels4 ,!y jump$ back :5 !y saw greet+ !m
at ! top (! /airs ! life-siz$ wood5 replicas (a sea turtle1 ,komodo dragon1
&a cobra fi<t+ a mongoose4 ,my "m 0 only =ty-two ye>s old1 b p]h1 surr.d$
0^! vivid rem9d]s ( h] pa/1 ^! glimpses 96:at %e once 0 & :at %e mi<t h
be51 my "m's life 2gan 6feel l a tomb4

,at ,*ri/mas1 dur+ "o ( h] wor/ spells1 %e _hn't em]g$ f h] room all "d1
:ile ! re/ (! family op5$ pres5ts 9 ! liv+ room4 ,i 0 ! f/ 6he> h] patt]+
/eps z %e came d[n ! /airs & >.d ! corn] t[>d ! liv+ room4 ,i jump$ up &
ran t[>d h]4 8,>e y go+ 6op5 pres5ts ) u80 ,i ask$ excit$ly4 ,%e didn't
answ]1 b 9/1d pass$ "r 0me & kick$ h] priz$ ,*9ese pot 96! liv+ room4 ,x
%att]$ )a l\d explo.n4 ,!n %e crumpl$ onto ! floor1 moan+ & cry+4 ,my dad &
bro!rs ran ov] & pick$ h] up z %e / f"\ & scr1m$1 wre/l$ h] 96! back ( \r
c>1 & took h] 6! em]g5cy room4 ,=! re/ (! "d ,i sat on ! c\*4 ,half !
pres5ts "u ! tree rema9$ unop5$1 b !y 7 ! la/ ?+ on my m9d4 ,i 0 haunt$ 0!
vi.n ( my "m's %u6l+ body mov+ pa/ me1 & al? ,i mi<t h only imag9$ x1 ,i
?"\ ,i glimps$ h] eyes1 4tant & <o/like1 />+ pa/ me1 p]h 96t imag9>y
mirror4 ,:5 %e return$ t ev5+ "u ! sed,n ( m$ic,n1 ,i 0 afraid t :5 ,i
ga!r$ up ! c\rage 65t] h] room z %e lay on ! b$1 %e wd look at me blankly &
n "k :o ,i was4

,:5 ,i 0 "y]1 ,i _h held my monocul> up 6my "r eye & /ood t5 feet away f a
picture ( my dad t hung 9 \r liv+ room4 ,he /ood pr\dly 9 8 ,pr9ceton uni=m
) 8 numb]1 sixty-two1 emblazon$ acr 8 j]sey & 8 l1!r football tuck$ "u 8
>m4 ,he /ood ) 8 *e/ \ & 8 /r;g squ>e jaw jutt+ \4 ,he wore a %ort flattop1
& 8 deep-set eyes -m&$ s* /r5g?4 ,!n ,i focus$ ! monocul> on a picture ( my
mom4 ,%e 0 /&+ 9 front (! ,taj ,mahal on a trip 6,9dia4 ,%e wore a s>i1 a
tradi;nal ,9dian silk wrap1 em]ald gre5 ) d>k gold gods & go4esses l1p+ &
danc+ acr ! mat]ial4 ,%e 0 tall & sl5d] & al? h] face 0 ?91 alm fragile1 x
radiat$ 3fid;e1 j l my "f's4 ,i _h />$ at ! two pictures =a l;g "t1 wond]+
if ,i wd 2come m l hm or m l h]4 ,x 0 s m* easi] 6admire qualities ( logic1
/r5g?1 & p[]1 ?an ! *aos ( emo;n4 ,i cd foll[ 8 pa? 0plann+ & "w+ h>d
6a3ompli% big goals1 b ano!r1 deep] "p ( me want$ 6hang on 6my "m's
cr1tiv;y1 h] s(t;s1 h] flair1 b t al m1nt tak+ on h] brood+ side1 h]
vuln]abil;y1 h] fragile _s1 laid op5 6! damage ( "t4 ,my p>5ts'
p]sonalities 7 pol> opposites1 & ,i wond]$ if ,i cd take a ll f ea*1 my
"f's pragmatism & optimism 6keep me safe1 & my "m's re/.s;s 6keep me dr1m+4

,on hot summ] "ds 2f my fre%man ye>1 z my "m slept1 ,i wd sit at my w9d[
li/5+ 6! nei<borhood kids 2l 9 ! cul-de-sac1 organiz+ pickup games (
basketball4 ,i cd he> ! holl[ s.d (! ball dri2l+ ag/ ! pave;t &! 3vulsive
wob# (! backbo>d4 ,"o-on-"o basketball 0 "o organiz$ sport t ,i _h clung
to1 ev5 z my si<t dim9i%$4 ,l ! ramp1 my dad _h pa9t$ ! backbo>d at ! 5d (
my driveway a b"r orange4 ,) only "o p]son on : 6focus1 v]sus five1 ,i 0 a
pretty gd play]4 ,i took a s]i\s pride 9 2+ ! nei<borhood "o-on-"o *ampion1
ev5 ?\< ! boys 9 my nei<borhood 7 only 9 fif? & six? grade1 :ile ,i 0 9
ei<?4 ,9 ! late spr+1 ,i practic$ 9t5sely1 b "?\t ! summ]1 s5s+ ! loss ( my
si<t1 ,i _h be5 avoid+ ! c\rt4 ,f9,y1 sitt+ at my w9d[1 ! h1vy1 /ale
boredom (! h\se ov]took my anxiety1 & ,i w5t d[n 6%oot >.d4 ,! \tl9e (!
backbo>d 0 no l;g] cle>1 only a fa9t illusory =m alm 9dist+ui%a# f ! gre5 &
br[n =e/ 2h x4 ,soon ,scott1 a "y] boy :o _h n"e -e close 6b1t+ me1 *all5g$
me 6a game4 ,my pride wd n let me back \4 ,scott's hazy =m seem$ 6flit >.d
me at w4 ,"s"ts he 0 >.d me 2f ,i ev5 knew x4 ,i'd spot a ll wi7le ( move;t
& !n he> ! ball ag/ ! backbo>d & "? ! net4 ,! "o "t t ,scott didn't /1l !
ball \ ( my h&s1 ,i *>g$ t[>d ! basket1 b ,i wasn't exactly sure ,i 0 mov+
9 ! "r direc;n4 ,i kept expect+ ,scott 6da% up 2h me & snat* ! ball away1 9
fact ,i hop$ he wd1 2c :5 ,i look$ up1 frantic,y :ipp+ my h1d >.d1 !
backbo>d 0 no":4 ,!n ,i simply want$ ! ball \ ( my h&s4 ,i guess$ at a
direc;n & ?rew ! ball up wildly4 ,x l&$ 9 ! grass1 probably miles f !
backbo>d4 ,scott actu,y lau<$ 9 a/oni%;t4 ,:5 we 7 f9i%$ play+1 ,i ad lo/1
t5 6z]o4 ,i 0 too %ock$ ev5 6be angry4 ,scott ?rew 8 fi/ 9 ! air rep1t+1
8,i c't 2lieve x4 ,i've n"e b1t5 y60 ,i ?rew ! ball 6,scott & walk$ away 9
a daze4 ,! victori\s *ants fad$ 2h me4 8,": y go+8 ,hey1 ": y go+80
,scott's voice trail$ (f4

,i _h 6escape4 ,a new h\se 0 2+ 3/ruct$ d[n ! road & ,i _h g"o "! a few "ts
6?9k & 2 al"o4 ,i walk$ d[n ! driveway & "? ! op5 door frame4 ,! h\se 0 an
empty %ell4 ,! "wm5 _h left =! "d & ,i /ood 9side -pletely al"o4 ,i walk$
"? ! empty rooms1 feel+ ! cool pla/] walls &! new glass w9d[s rec5tly
9/all$4 ,i cd see ! w9d[s1 ?anks 6! 3tra/ 2t ! li<t /r1m+ "? ! glass &! d>k
wood w9d[ frame4 ,i /epp$ back f "o w9d[1 c.t+ ! paces 2f x drift$ away1
9dist9ct f ! wall4 ,ei<t paces1 only ei<t damn paces4 ,a week ago ,i _h se5
x f ei<te54 ,"! cd 2 no m ly+ 6myf4 ,! tru? 0 brut,y cle>4 ,up until n[1 ,i
_h d"o "ey?+ 9 my p[] 6%r\d my bra9 9 ignor.e1 6keep a lay] 2t my life &!
9evita#4 ,i _h clung 6a fleet+ 2lief t ! doctors' diagnosis ( bl;s 0! age (
?irte5 _h be5 wr;g1 t "? =ce ( w al"o ,i wd b1t !m1 t ,i 0 only imag9+ !
loss td1 & tm ,i wd wake up 6see ! vivid gre5 (! trees &! basketball hoop
2y4 ,b /&+ 9 front (! w9d[1 only ei<t paces away1 ,i knew ,i n"e wd4 ,i
pick$ up a h&;l ( h1vy metal nails f a wood5 box & hurl$ a bun* t[>d ! hazy
li<t4 ,pieces ( glass explod$ \tw>d1 spray+ ! gr.d4 ,! air :i/l$ \ ( my
lungs & return$ 9 %all[ bur/s4 ,i aim$ at ano!r gl9t ( li<t & he>d x %att]
too4 ,!n ,i walk$ >.d ! 5tire h\se1 aim+ & %att]+1 n want+ "o w9d[ 6be
sp>$4 ,i wd gut ! h\se2 te> x f ! 9side \4 ,i 0 %att]+ ! la/ w9d[ :5 ,i
he>d a sir5 f a c> -+ up ! driveway4 ,i ru%$ \ a gutt$ w9d[ & /um#d 96!
woods1 b>ely feel+ ! trees t ,i 0 cra%+ 96&! %>p bran*es scrat*+ my face4
,i pu%$ =w>d1 n "k+ ": my feet wd l&1 hop+ !y t\*$ soil4 ,my mom5um drove
me =w>d4 ,ano!r /ep & my feet so>$ "? ! air4 ,i l&$ only a few feet d[n 9 a
dit* & lay "! try+ 6hold back my he>t t 0 b1t+ \ ( my *e/4 ,i lay mo;n.s =
an h\r1 li/5+ =! s.d ( foot/eps4

,t ni<t1 ,i _h a dr1m 9 : ,i 0 runn+ frantic,y "? ! woods 2h ! empty h\se4
,my frs 7 f> 9 front ( me1 & al? ,i ran furi\sly1 ,i 0 fall+ f>!r & f>!r
2h4 ,i cd he> l1ves & bru% cra%+ 2h me & smell rank hot br1? on ! back ( my
neck4 ,x 0 ov]tak+ me1 & ,i 0 ov]:elm$ 0! fe> f "k+ t "! 0 no?+ ,i cd d4 ,!
woods 7 all %ad[s & flick]s ( li<t1 twi/+ & 9t]m+l+1 danc+ & lung+1 & ,i 0
runn+ "? x & x "? me4 ,i b\nc$ (f a tree trunk t twi/$ 96! scaly h1d (a sea
crock1 op5+ xs jaws 6swall[ me4 ,i hurl$ myf back ag/ a tree t held ?ick1
gn>l$1 ?ru/+ claws1 & !n ,i tripp$ ov] a sli!r+ snake1 ?\s&s ( !m1 wri7l+ &
twi/+ & /rik+4 ,gr.d1 rock1 & sky swirl$ tgr 9 a crazy kaleidoscope ( color
&! :ole sc5e %ook mon/r\sly 2f me4 ,!n1 ,i felt empti;s 2l me1 & ,i 0 fall+
"? a void ( black sky4 ,abv1 ,i cd he> ! cr1ture lau<+1 lau<+ & lau<+1 & x
0 ! lau< ( ,*uck & ,scott & ,mit*1 & x cackl$1 8,fall1 ,bl9d5heim]1 fall4
,"! is no?+ 6cat* y40 ,& t 0 all ,i cd d1 fall & fall1 /rangely sl[ &
su6ocat+1 l s9k+ 96muck1 b :5 ,i r1*$ \1 x 0 only black empty sky )! fa9t
glimpse (! e>? 4appe>+ abv me4 ,t is :5 ,i woke up1 clut*+ my b$ frame1
li/5+ 6! desp]ate rasp ( my [n br1?+ & try+ 6%ake ! s9k+ mo;n (! dr1m4

,! fe> ( bl;s _h loom$ ov] me = s l;g1 & ,i _h n"e resign$ myf 6x4 ,x felt
l :at ,i imag9$ dy+ wd feel l4 ,b no matt] :at ,i felt1 no matt] :at ,i
fe>$ mo/1 ? d1? 0 -+1 & :e!r ,i d5i$ x 0 happ5+1 or wi%$ x away1 :e!r ,i
a3ept$ x 2grudg+ly or embrac$ x fully1 x 0 -+4 ,x didn't matt] :at ,i did
or h[ m* ,i kick$ & scr1m$ & f"\4 ,i _h no say :e!r x wd sweep or trickle
ov] me1 or :e!r x wd hurt4 ,x wd -e at xs [n pace1 9 ! way x *ose1 & "! 0
absolutely no?+ ,i cd d 6*ange x4

,ironic,y1 z ,i rel9qui%$ my grip on si<t1 ,i sank 96bitt] relief4 ,i _h n
a clue h[ ,i wd survive z a bl p]son1 h[ ,i wd cook a m1l1 walk >.d1 r1d a
book1 b try+ 6live z a si<t$ p]son 0 2com+ m pa9;l ?an bl;s cd "e be1 &!
unc]ta9ty ( :at ea* tm wd br+ 0 alm m t]rify+4 ,i knew no?+ ab bl;s4 ,i _h
no ac;n plan4 ,all ,i knew 0 t ,i 0 sick & tir$ ( gett+ lo/ on ! playgr.d &
n 2+ a# 6f9d ! 5tr.e 6! s*ool4 ,i 0 tir$ ( squ9t+ my eyes & fall+ (f docks1
tir$ ( try+ 6run d[n a trail 9 ! woods or try+ 6%oot a basket4 ,i cdn't d
any ( x well4 ,my h1d ba%$ ag/ trees1 my sk9 0 alw scrap$ & ble$+4 ,i liv$
2t bl;s & si<t4 ,:ile ,i cdn't see well 5 6play visual games1 6r1d a
regul>-pr9t book1 6see an equ,n on ! blackbo>d1 ,i al cdn't a3ept myf z 2+
bl4 ,b "o ?+ ,i knew3 -p>$ 6? in-2t _w1 total bl;s cdn't 2 any worse1 or
any m t]rify+4